Auntie Em's Place

Fire

2011-03-04T13:05:00.001-06:00

Fire can keep us warm or rage unchecked, destroying everything in its path. It requires three things to burn: heat, fuel and oxygen. Removing one of those things will kill the fire. The same is true of the emotions and responses that get stirred up in the middle of strife. I know this, but I missed a vital piece of the fire metaphor applied to strife. Last night my DS enlightened me on the whole fire metaphor I wrote about in Ouch.
I thought heat was strife, and fuel was information. I couldn't figure out what oxygen was.

He set me straight.

His take is that heat was the tension in an argument, disagreement, or fight; fuel is our own bodies - the physical reactions of anger that are literally eating us up. Oxygen is the information, because it is all around us, comes from any direction, and just seems to float there.

So what constitutes information? All the words, facts, and clues that can be used against you or another person in the heat of anger. It can be something said in anger, or gossipy tidbits, or maybe even the tone of your voice when you speak or respond. Sometimes the most trivial thing can be picked up and thrown back in your face if someone is mad or upset enough.

Body language is information.

I remember when my x was on a rant and I was just about as angry as could be. I knew that if I said or did anything he'd have gone ballistic, and because I was afraid of him in that season of my life, I didn't want to do anything to set him off. So I kept my eyes on the ground because I didn't want to fuel the fire with the anger and contempt that he'd see if I looked up. He thought I was being submissive, and he calmed down almost instantly. We were at a point in our marriage where we were still able to talk things through somewhat, and when things calmed down I said what I had to say and we did work things out. He was ready to listen after he'd calmed down. But there isn't a doubt in my mind that with just a little more "oxygen" it could very well have ended up being a domestic violence situation. It never went that far in our marriage, but at that point it wouldn't have taken much.

It takes wisdom to argue effectively. And sometimes when the fire is raging it's hard to think clearly. If you can safely remove at least one of the key elements, you can calm things down pretty quickly, in most cases, without losing your respect, point of view, or dignity. If you can work things out later, you'll have a better shot of strengthening a relationship instead of ending or damaging it. But if you throw in more of the key elements, things will get out of hand, and that's tough to fix later, if at all.

And I got all of that from a 13 yr old boy.

Out of the mouth of babes...

Mosquitoes

2011-03-02T07:55:00.001-06:00

Have you ever noticed how some people are like mosquitoes? They are small and inconsequential, they come out of nowhere, and they know just where to bite. I would like to say that they don't bother me, but oh my, how they do. That is my lesson for today, I suppose.

I love to work outside in my garden, and it always surprises me how the littlest critters can bother me the most. I mean, I don't like wasps or hornets, but at least I can see they're just going about their business. I stay out of their way, and they stay out of mine. Well, as long as they don't try to build a home in my covered patio, in which case they die without mercy! But in general, I understand and appreciate that they're just doing what they were created to do. Besides that, they pollinate the flowers and veggies, and that helps me in the long run.

But mosquitoes? What do they contribute? Nothing. They just fly around looking for something to eat (me), they reproduce, and they die. Or so it seems.

But then again, if they really are so small and inconsequential, why do they aggravate me so?

Maybe it's just pride, to know that they see me as food. It just seems so arrogant! They have no defenses of note, yet they zoom in as if it's their right to poke holes in me and drink till they're full. And I know that I can cover myself with chemicals and they'll leave me alone, but then I'm covered in chemicals. Yuck. And perhaps it is also pride that on my own, I am defenseless against them. Now there's a thought.

Lately I have been plagued by Mosquito Girl. I try to be patient, but she seems to have this uncanny knack for noticing every flaw and "helps" me by letting me know in 30 seconds or less. Every time. I know it's important to do a good job, but I am not a perfect woman. And I know quite well that my instinctive reaction to swat her down isn't the answer. I also know that the more I try to be patient, the more I want to swat her. I really dislike that about myself. And the most aggravating part is that loving her as she is doesn't ever seem to change her, or me, or circumstances. What's up with that?

I am amazed at how many people out there I can genuinely like, and some of those people are universally disliked by those around me. And it's not me pretending, I really DO like them! But one little mosquito, and it reduces me to a pride filled, grumpy, intolerant person.

I try to be patient, I really do. But in the end, I have learned to recognize that I'm the one who needs help! Maybe I'm the arrogant one, to assume that somehow I am so grand that I'm exempt from being corrected. I don't think I am, but then again, that's what comes out with the constant picking.

I don't know the answer. Well, I do, but not in a way that keeps me grounded when mosquitoes are flying around looking for a place to land. Maybe that's the lesson, and the reminder. Get with God. Go back to the Word.

Pray for mosquitoes, and for big lumbering mosquito-food. Because, in God's eyes, no-one is small or inconsequential.

Ouch

2011-03-01T16:32:00.003-06:00

I got hurt today by someone I know. Not someone I'm close to or was looking to be close to, but ouch. It still hurts. But then again, when does it ever feel good to have someone treat you badly? And does it ever really matter why? In the end it's all about lack of regard, interest, and respect. Same old story, blah, blah, blah.

So how do you love someone that knows how you feel, what you're about, how you'll respond, and chooses to spit on you anyway?
Hint: I don't know, but I'm trying very hard to learn!

Someone told me once that God allows difficult people in your life to teach you how to love unconditionally. I have learned that love isn't blind. It sees EVERYTHING. It doesn't take long to see someone's pros and cons and size them up pretty accurately. And forgiveness is just a matter of letting go, of not holding the worst parts of a person close to your heart. Love is a choice to see the best in someone, and to take the high ground when they inevitably fail. I understand all that, and have no problem spouting all kinds of wise sounding words when I think it's something someone else needs to hear. But when it comes my way I still struggle with what to do.

I have learned about boundaries, and why they're necessary, and why they're healthy. I embrace them now, without guilt. I have learned to love people where they're at without feeling like I have to be their friend, and without letting them into my heart, my inner sanctum, unless I can truly accept them and all the "stuff" they bring with them. We all bring "stuff", and if you can't accept what that "stuff" is in someone else, don't even try to get close to the person that brings it with them - it won't work out in the long run. God put peace in my heart and I want to keep it and take care of it, and I don't have to invite anyone in to tromp all over it. That's what God meant when He instructed me "above all else" to guard my heart "for everything [I] do flows from it" Proverbs 4:23.

I have learned about fire: how it keeps us warm, how it destroys if left unchecked. I've learned that fire requires 3 things to burn: heat, oxygen, and fuel. Remove one of the three and the fire goes out. Most of the times I remove the fuel. I stay quiet and don't give out any more information. I also choose to remove the heat. Although I feel like flaring up, I don't. I am comfortable with being non-confrontational, and haven't had any personal success with blasting another person, even if I feel like it inside. I don't know about the oxygen, though. I'm convinced there's something of merit, spiritually, but I don't know what that is. Maybe that's another issue for another day.

And I've learned that sometimes God takes people out of our lives for reasons only He knows. Sudden, damaging hurts, or repeated offenses, or a blatant lack of interest are all symptoms that something is wrong. It takes deep prayer to know if it's a trial, an attack, or a door being closed, and only God can confirm or deny a suspicion that an ending is in sight.

So. What to do? Stay calm, be still. Keep busy. Respond decently when required. Lay low for a while. Talk it out when the storm blows over, when it seems appropriate. Let a friendship go, if required.

Forgive, forgive, forgive.

And above all else, get with God and stay with God. After all, He's the only real friend we will ever know, or need.

Thank you, Daddy.

Rarin' to go

2011-02-28T07:40:00.003-06:00

I read the Bible every morning, first thing. I try to, anyway.

But most mornings I wake up with a mind swarming with plans, and ideas, and things I'd like to say to people I know. My thoughts race around in a swirl of clamoring noise, and I can't hear God.

I've gotten used to it, and now I go ahead and get the coffee, check the weather, and settle in. I get myself all comfy back in bed, and I hold the Bible in my hands, ready to open it when God speaks, and tells me what He wants me to read. Right now He's bouncing back between Psalms 72, 68, and 67. A few others, here and there, but mostly those three. I'm not sure why, but I trust Him to show me.

I guess I'm still in the "post-traumatic stress syndrome"-ish part of divorce recovery. I still wake up every two hours, but I'm finally sleeping better, overall. I'm eating better, exercise more, and my hair is starting to grow back. I feel better than I have in a very long time. I'm settled into my house, making plans for some fix 'em ups this summer, and my garden is taking shape.

But it's so hard to be still and hear God when I'm ready, and willing, and hungry for Him. And it's not even that I'm off tearing after my own ambitions and desires.

My mind just flits.

I read the same passages over and over again, checking out at the same spot. Psalm 72:6 says "May he be like rain that comes down upon the mown grass", and I start to think about my lawn, and lawn care, and the garden, and what I'll need to do to line things up for the next planting. Psalm 68:22 says "The Lord said, I will bring back [your enemies] from Bashan; I will bring them back from the depths of the[Red] Sea", and that reminds me of parts of the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. On and on...

Where do these thoughts come from? And why?

I don't know. I do know they keep me from God and His Word.

Jacob fought with the Lord all night, and his final statement was "I will not let You go until You declare a blessing upon me." Genesis 32:26.

We have to be like that.

So I sit in bed with my eyes closed, and I hold my Bible in my hand, and I wait for Him to speak. I don't look at the clock, or worry about getting to work on time. He knows I have to be there, and He knows I have to take care of my son. He knows I'm hungry and looking forward to breakfast. He knows I love to garden and I can't wait to get my hands back in the dirt. He knows that above all that, I hunger for Him, but I'm still healing and I can't stay focused like I want to. And He knows I will wait until he whispers, or shouts, the part of His Word he wants me to hear.

And when He does, I open my Bible, and I read.

Rest works!

2010-12-10T16:07:00.001-06:00

Boy, do I feel better these days.

In the last month or two, I’ve been able to stay asleep for the whole night. It’s amazing how much fog can clear from your head when you’ve had a good night’s sleep. It’s helped physically as well. I’m still not exercising as regularly as I want to, but I’m doing better every day.

I’ve reorganized my finances by creating a spreadsheet, and it’s amazing how much cash flow it released. I haven’t been to a big fancy seminar, but I get the basic principles. Pay the little debts first, then turn the savings to attack the big ones, until they’re all gone. I don’t have debt, exactly, but racking up monthly charges on plastic can sure add up in a hurry. It was paid in full each month, but sometimes that was all there was. The spreadsheet helps me think about what I’m doing, and I can look ahead to see how that one “teeny” purchase can affect a big bill that comes due two months from now. It’s been a good lesson.

I’m making jewelry again, and really enjoying the down time. It’s so very important to have something that helps you rest, and leaves you with something to remind you how productive, creative, and wonderful you are. I don’t work on my projects every night, but I do it often enough to relax.

And my hair! Oh, how I love to play Dress Up. I’m blonde today. I was auburn last week. I haven’t decided what I want to be next week, but I’m thinking dark brown/soft black – something long and luxurious.

It’s hard to feel down when you’re playing Dress Up. It starts with the hair. Then I have to find something to wear that goes with the hair and my mood. By then I’m spraying on the body splash, and digging through the jewelry, and before you know it I’m walking out the door smiling. Every woman needs hair – but so many don’t know it yet!

I feel alive again! I can still feel the remnants of stress, but it’s becoming more and more like a bad memory.

Thank you, Lord!

Rest?

2010-09-04T07:56:00.003-05:00

Everyone tells me to rest. The Bible tells me to rest. My heart is screaming for rest. But after the last couple of years, I have forgotten what it is to rest.

I had a lot of time on my hands when I was going through the divorce. I had less time when I was seeing someone for awhile, but then that friendship went away. So now I'm back to having a lot of time on my hands. What to do, what to do. Rest.

I tried sitting down and catching up on some TV shows I missed. I signed up for Netflix and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. Great shows. I've unpacked all but 2 boxes from our last move, but I still have a way to go to make this house the home I know it can be. But I'm on a budget, so some of those things will have to wait. I've been trying to exercise more, and yesterday I fit into a pair of pants that I couldn't wear for two years. Cool. I'm back to hippie cooking - wheat berries, veggies, lots of fruit. Yum.

I unpacked the box with all my hair (extensions and wigs), and oh my goodness have I been having a good time! I forgot how gorgeous I can be, and I am reminded that I still Got It, oh yeah. Of course, I've Got It here at home - alone - but at least it's still there. I wore my long auburn wig to work yesterday, and it was fun. My best friend told me I looked great and then said "you need a pole"! She's the one that can always make me laugh - that's why I love her.

Rest.

I'm learning that resting isn't the same thing as having nothing to do. Now that I'm no longer frantically busy, there's such a huge void in my life. It's not doing me any good not to do any thing. It just feels lonely.

What to do?

I thought about teaching ESL classes at my church, and I'd really like to do that, but it's not lining up with my schedule. I have to take an all day mandatory class, with an option of taking another all day class on another weekend. For the two upcoming dates, the mandatory class falls on a weekend I have my DS (dear son), and the other one is on the weekend I'm free. Plus, it's a 3 hr commitment per week, and while I think I could handle that, it appears that God is saying no, at least for now.

I've thought about geocaching, but we've been under heat advisories for the last month or so, with warnings to avoid outside activities unless they're necessary, plus I'd need to buy a GPS and I'd like to wait for the one I want, not the one I can afford today. I won't have to wait that long for it, but I feel it's the right thing to do. Maybe this Fall.

I've thought about taking dance classes, and that truly does appeal to me. I bought a "Country Line Dancing" DVD, which is more of a workout than a class on line dancing, but I had so much fun that I really want to learn more. It would be good exercise, and something I could afford after this month, so I may just pursue that one.

Back in the olden days I used to go out to the dance halls with my friends, and I've been known to shut the place down on more than one occasion. I don't drink - other than a glass of wine with dinner - but I LOVE to dance. People would look at my glass of ice water and ask what I was drinking. I'd look them straight in the eye and say "Ever Clear". When they'd shut the place down I'd look around and wonder what was going on because I was still ready to go! I'd walk out of there at 2 am, stone cold sober and already looking forward to next time.

It was a long time ago, but I still love to dance. Yeah. I think dance lessons would be a great thing, good exercise, and a safe environment. I've forgotten how to dance because it's been so long, and I never really knew how to line dance. I'd like to learn. I'm not as sure about going back to the dance halls, though. Maybe with a group. I'll have to look into this. I'm not sure if it qualifies as "rest", but it sure is fun.

I keep thinking of Jesus sleeping in the boat as the storm raged, and I feel like I'm starting to understand it more. I used to think it was that He was so exhausted that He shut everything out to get some rest. It doesn't say that He fell asleep while the storm raged, but that it didn't wake Him up once it started. I can relate to that, or used to when I used to sleep well. But now I see it as a lack of worry on His part. Man, I'd like to have that in my life.

I'm a lot happier these days. I'm in better shape, in better health, a lot more cheerful, and a lot more energetic. I've come a long way since the divorce. I've forgiven myself, and all the other people involved with the divorce process, both personal and professional. I've learned to set boundaries on relationships, even if it hurts. I trust God more than ever. I have a positive outlook both for the present and the future. Life is good in most ways.

But I'm still not in a place of rest. I'm still looking for something to fill the void, still trying to replace the structure of my life. I'm not there yet. And I don't know what to do about it.

Rest.

Right.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

2010-07-18T10:41:00.002-05:00

I mowed the lawn! I think the trick might be to be well warmed up first. I thought I was doing that, but this morning I popped in a Leslie Sansone 12 minute mile DVD just before I went outside, and I did a lot better. I still have to use the weed eater along the fence lines, but it's time to come in and get ready for church. Still, it was a good to start to a productive day.

I also dug a great big trench along the fence line on the north side of the house. It's a mess after a good rain. I'd like to say it was a wonderful time with God, but truthfully it wasn't. My Mom got in there first this morning, and the old tapes started to play. I hate it when that happens.

My Mom loved to challenge herself on our little livestock farm we had when I was growing up. She could put in a full days work mucking barns or baling hay, and come in when the sun went down to a nice warm dinner cooked by "the girls" (my sister and I, or sometimes just me). She'd clean up and settle herself in a comfy chair and say "city people don't know the luxury of a shower". Clearly spoken by someone who has never encountered Texas gumbo clay!

Anyway, as I was mucking around in the mud and water, here it came. "There's only one man in the world who can ever fully love a woman, and I married him". "Hard working parents breed lazy children". Blah, blah blah.

This stuff is such old news that it's almost laughable. Almost. I stopped believing it years and years ago, and instead I started praying for her. But it does tie in to what I was feeling last night. Maybe this time of solitude is yet another chance to dig out the muck in the way, and let the water flow. It's certainly a GREAT way to get in shape. Some people pay good money to sweat like that, and you can't beat the workout. I put in a good, fast mile, and will do so again this afternoon (weather permitting), plus all that digging and lifting. And I'm losing weight! I've already lost 1-1/2" off my waist.

So. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there, does it make a sound? An emphatic YES. If that tree grew in soil good enough to nourish it, and drank the rain that drenched it, and basked in the sunlight that bathed it, then the sound of it crashing down would reverberate through the heavens. God sees, and God knows.

If nobody ever reads this blog, do I cease to exist? Certainly not. If all the other women in the world entice the eyes of friends, am I worth any less? No. And if I experience this time in silence, is my heart dull or my voice silent? No.

My Lord, my God - Daddy - loves me, and nobody can take it away from me.

Ponder that.

Why am I so afraid?

2010-07-17T21:22:00.004-05:00

You'd think I'd be pleased with how it all went today, after all that work. It was a very productive day. Almost four hours of cleaning in the main bathroom, right down to scrubbing the corners in the shower with a toothbrush, just to get it all. No grain of dirt, and no pesky germ is gonna hurt my Darrin. It felt good to get on my knees and look for all the places where that junk could hide. I'm still so mad that this disease could even think about harming Darrin. God's Word says she's healed, and I believe it. So the fact that she has to walk through all this just makes me mad. I can't stop it, but I can get right in there and scrub out anything else that doesn't belong there, and today I did. It felt really good.

So why am I here in my home, alone, feeling knots in my stomach because the thunderstorm rages outside?

Not a baby thunderstorm, like the ones I used to enjoy when I was younger, but a full blown, no nonsense, Texas thunderstorm. I hung some plates on the wall in my kitchen, and I can hear them rattle from my bedroom every time the thunder booms.

And I didn't get to mow the back yard today because it was raining when I got home. Actually, the lightning was flashing right over my head, and I had to debate whether it was wise to make a run for it from my car. I actually had to sit there for a minute to decide. I finally did dash for the door, and made it in OK.

I hate that I didn't get to mow the lawn because it helps drain the back yard when the grass is short, especially along the fence line. Ray, my retired neighbor, taught me that. We spent almost 5 hours in my yard, talking and working while he helped me prepare for the straggling bands of Hurricane Alex. We mowed and edged, and dug a trench on my side of the fence. I learned so much, and it was a good productive day. But now that I know how important it is, it bothers me that I didn't get it done in time. I mowed the front this morning, but I had to come in because I've been having so much trouble handling the heat this summer. I don't know why, but for the first time in my life I feel like I need to be careful out there.

I was hungry when I got back this afternoon, so I cooked up a one-dish meal and enjoyed it in the quiet. I cut a slice of watermelon and sat down to enjoy that too. But then my eye started to itch, and I threw the watermelon away. Why? Well, I woke up earlier this week and both my eyes were swollen up like little golf balls! I actually went to the doctor and he told me I had an allergic reaction to "something". I asked about finding out what it was, and he said that they can't always figure it out, and since the reaction was moderately severe he was sending me home with an EpiPen to have on hand so that if it happened again, and I went into anaphalactic shock, I wouldn't die. Now there's something to ponder alone in the dark, listening to thunder, wondering if the yard is going to flood. I know I probably just wasted a perfectly good slice of watermelon, but then again, you never know.

There are days when I love being a single Mom. I love the freedom, and the challenge. I love feeling like the possibilities are endless, that my life is full of choices, and that anything can happen - good or bad. But on nights like this, I have to admit that all I feel is the burden of it all. I don't miss the x, but I miss being part of a team. And while I wouldn't want him back, I miss knowing that there is someone who can share the load on dark scary nights.

Times like these are the times when the rubber meets the road. These are the times when I have to dig deep and remember that God is my husband. He's the type who quietly stands beside me and reminds me that all is well. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. And I never have to wonder if I'm good enough, or if He will ever get bored with me. I thank Him for that.

And wonder of wonders, as I ponder His love and His greatness, the thunderstorm has diminished and has almost gone away.

Thank you, Lord!

Busy day today...

2010-07-17T07:54:00.005-05:00

But when is it not a busy day?

My DS (dear son) is in California with his Dad for the next week or so, and I'm flying solo until August. You'd think that would give me time to relax and enjoy, but no, not this time around. Not yet anyway.

I'm using this time to finish unpacking his treasures from 2 years ago (we've moved twice since then). A long time ago, a very wise Pastor's wife taught us that "You can give a man a job, or you can ask him for help, but you can't do both". That principle applies to 10 yr old boys too! I asked him to "help with the packing", which he did. We didn't unpack everything the first time because we knew we'd be moving again, we just didn't know when. Now I'm sorting through spelling lists he completed in kindergarten, broken McDonald's Happy Meal Toys, copies of the Auto's For Sale flyers that he got from the grocery store. You know what I mean :) Next time I'll have to be more specific.

This afternoon I'm off to my friend Darrin's house to help clean it. Our Scout troop, members from her church, and all her good friends are swarming over there to scrub and polish in preparation for her upcoming chemo treatments.

Prayer for Darrin is gratefully accepted and appreciated - see more at (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/darrinhammons).

Before all that begins, I need to mow the front lawn before it gets too hot (the lawn guys didn't show up this week), locate a plumbing service (I think I have a broken pipe just outside the foundation), and decide which of the growing number of projects around the house that I need to tackle first (right).

Thank God I am not alone!

"But the Holy Spirit will come and help you because the Father will send the Spirit to take my place. The Spirit will teach you everything and will remind you of what I said while I was with you. I give you peace, the kind of peace only I can give. So don't be worried or afraid." John 14:26-27 CEV

Have a blessed day!