Fire

Fire can keep us warm or rage unchecked, destroying everything in its path. It requires three things to burn: heat, fuel and oxygen. Removing one of those things will kill the fire. The same is true of the emotions and responses that get stirred up in the middle of strife. I know this, but I missed a vital piece of the fire metaphor applied to strife. Last night my DS enlightened me on the whole fire metaphor I wrote about in Ouch.
I thought heat was strife, and fuel was information. I couldn't figure out what oxygen was.

He set me straight.

His take is that heat was the tension in an argument, disagreement, or fight; fuel is our own bodies - the physical reactions of anger that are literally eating us up. Oxygen is the information, because it is all around us, comes from any direction, and just seems to float there.

So what constitutes information? All the words, facts, and clues that can be used against you or another person in the heat of anger. It can be something said in anger, or gossipy tidbits, or maybe even the tone of your voice when you speak or respond. Sometimes the most trivial thing can be picked up and thrown back in your face if someone is mad or upset enough.

Body language is information.

I remember when my x was on a rant and I was just about as angry as could be. I knew that if I said or did anything he'd have gone ballistic, and because I was afraid of him in that season of my life, I didn't want to do anything to set him off. So I kept my eyes on the ground because I didn't want to fuel the fire with the anger and contempt that he'd see if I looked up. He thought I was being submissive, and he calmed down almost instantly. We were at a point in our marriage where we were still able to talk things through somewhat, and when things calmed down I said what I had to say and we did work things out. He was ready to listen after he'd calmed down. But there isn't a doubt in my mind that with just a little more "oxygen" it could very well have ended up being a domestic violence situation. It never went that far in our marriage, but at that point it wouldn't have taken much.

It takes wisdom to argue effectively. And sometimes when the fire is raging it's hard to think clearly. If you can safely remove at least one of the key elements, you can calm things down pretty quickly, in most cases, without losing your respect, point of view, or dignity. If you can work things out later, you'll have a better shot of strengthening a relationship instead of ending or damaging it. But if you throw in more of the key elements, things will get out of hand, and that's tough to fix later, if at all.

And I got all of that from a 13 yr old boy.

Out of the mouth of babes...

Mosquitoes

Have you ever noticed how some people are like mosquitoes? They are small and inconsequential, they come out of nowhere, and they know just where to bite. I would like to say that they don't bother me, but oh my, how they do. That is my lesson for today, I suppose.

Ouch

I got hurt today by someone I know. Not someone I'm close to or was looking to be close to, but ouch. It still hurts. But then again, when does it ever feel good to have someone treat you badly? And does it ever really matter why? In the end it's all about lack of regard, interest, and respect. Same old story, blah, blah, blah.

So how do you love someone that knows how you feel, what you're about, how you'll respond, and chooses to spit on you anyway?